The road ahead is mystical and winding The colored spaces tell you where to go All the sugar here will keep your cervix from turning blue The diabetic’s nightmare has come true You’re in Candyland Candyland It’s not that hard to understand Something isn’t right I’m sensing that there Might be something lurking in the forest Watching every move I fuckin make When I saw grandma nuts intestines strewn about the floor The game had fuckin changed forever more You’re in candyland Candyland Grandma’s spleen is in your hand Her killer’s on the run And it’s your job to Hunt him down and murder him for grandma So justice is appropriately served You’ll violate his corpse by cramming carrots in his ass But first you have to draw the cards you need to pass You’re in candyland motherfucker You’re in candyland motherfucker You’re in candyland motherfucker So let’s go You draw a card that lets you go directly To the monster’s fuckin hideout baby Bring a chainsaw chop his leg off leg off That giftcard for home depot paid off paid off Molasses monster’s fuckin dead And Princess Sprinkle gives you head This is candyland Candyland Everything has gone as planned Return back to your home And spend the night alone

Is this a playground, or is it a brothel? My dick's already out, so I hope it's a brothel. I can't go to jail a second time 'cause I'd never make it out alive I stopped shavin' my pubes for a reason to hide the Swastica that's carved into my balls Can't go to jail again Can't go to jail again Was that a baby? Or was it spaghetti? My plate's already clean, so I hope it's spaghetti. But the blood that's pooling on the floor suggests that it was something more I stopped eating here for a reason their service stinks and their babies just don't taste right Can't go to jail again " " " " I can't afford an attorney so i had one appointed by the court to represent me in this case but then the judge got offended 'cause i got an erection under oath so now she's sending me away Is that a penis? Or is it a carrot? It's pressed against my cheek, so I hope it's a carrot.

When you get on the bus Move the fuck to the back So that others can board Without shoving their sack In another guys face As they try to get by Since you’re blocking the way Never wondering why Never wondering Why you’re getting bumped so much you’re doing something wrong and ruining everybody else’s day On the CTA You’ll see a lot of people And chances are you’ll want them all to die Please keep all of your shit Off the seat to your side So that others can sit For the entire ride Freeing valuable space In the over-stuffed aisle It’s a half hour trip We’ll be here for a while. So if you could just move your ugly prada bag And make way for my ass I promise not to nibble on your hair On the CTA You’ll see a lot of people And chances are you’ll want them all to die Never look a hobo in the eyes Or he’ll make it his goal to take your money Oh my god now a child is screaming And I think that it’s death would be quite funny Throw the baby under the bus Throw the baby under the bus Throw the baby under the bus Let its head get smashed by a tire And die If you are the type That likes to listen to songs Keep that shit to yourself And stop singing along I know it makes you look cool When you rap about cars, But you’re riding a bus We know you don’t have a car Or maybe you have a Lamborghini But you’d rather spend the day Smelling like a block of cheddar cheese On the CTA You’ll meet a lot of people And chances are you’ll want them all to die

Somewhere there’s a magic place And all your family’s there Spending all eternity Suspended in the air It’s not that hard to get there All you have to do is pray The total number getting larger Every single day But wait I remember the time I moved back in with my mom She had a bunch of rules It wasn’t very cool Did you ever stop to think That eternity would suck after awhile Unless you had your memory erased But in the kingdom of the lord There is only good and happiness abounds Sounds like a lobotomy to me Think back to that Halloween when grandpa was around He called you “Little Faggot”, and he pushed you to the ground Just because you dressed as a bassoon for Halloween But grandpa knew to pray at night so that his soul was clean That means grandpa went to heaven when he died The fact that he sold heroine to kids did not apply Did you ever stop to think That eternity would suck after awhile Unless you had your memory erased But in the kingdom of the lord There is only good and happiness abounds Sounds like a lobotomy to me No more sleeping in No more eating at Golden Corral after church No more sexy pants No more raping women. I guess that one is okay No more stealing wi-fi No more motivation to work real hard No more listening to Springbo Because you assholes never pay me for my songs Take a moment, think of all the people that are ‘saved’ This does not exclude those who are sexually depraved I’d rather not share space with someone known for blowing mice I think if you speak peace and do good deeds that would suffice

I lost the lyrics for this one, hopefully it's clear.

Champagne for my Furby Why won’t you speak my language My whole entire life is full of anguish I could probably kill myself and Nobody would care I just tried to make her love me And now I’m stuck a’talkin to my furby All I have to keep me warm are blankets of her hair My only friend is an anthropomorphic robot I’m leaving my suicide note with a children’s toy Furby is more than a friend he is there when cut myself and cry It’s time to say goodbye Goodbye to Furby, my only friend I know that you’re scared now, but I hope that you’ll Send them my final grievance I wish that I knew how to write a cadence My parents promise everything gets Easier with time But I’m not so used to waiting Instant satisfaction is sedating Why get off my ass When I get Netflix on phone My only friend is an anthropomorphic robot I’m leaving my suicide note with a children’s toy Furby is more than a friend he is there when cut myself and cry Goodbye to Furby, my only friend I know that you’re hungry, and I’ll feed you when I’m dead Mom and dad were getting me a birthday cake Little did they know they’d have to plan my wake The other kids were unaware my smile was fake They’re heading over after eating steak and shake Cars are pulling in and there are friends to make The first thing they see when they walk through the door (use Mahler 9) Is a furby on the table by the stairs My body lies covered in the notes from that whore That wasted 3 months of my life Chemistry should have been the focus of my mind But instead I was thinking of boobies Now hear the words that my furby said that night (go to minor) As my parents looked on in tears Me doh boo-noo-loo nee-way Me Tee oo-bah doo-moh no no boh-bay oo-tah-toh-toh toh-toh way-loh toh-loo dah tee-loh me Ay-tay Ibuprofen Koh-koh koh-koh koh-koh Ibuprofen Ay-koo noh-lah moo-lah moh-moh dah-noh-lah bye-way Then I woke up from my advil overdose I was kind of mad Furby had fucked up my one last chance to shine For my mom and dad So I resorted to something that I should have probably done before It’s time to say goodbye I smashed my furby My only friend When I asked for a new one I got a prozac instead

Abe Lincoln was an awesome president He did a lot of shit that we adore He freed the fuckin' slaves and invented the penny and then he won the fuckin' civil war

This is in memory of the only one I love I thought you could never die but I was wrong Your decomposing carcass lies across a mixing board I thought someone would help you up but they keep kicking more Oh music is dead And everybody wants a piece of the body To take home, recycle and cash in Oh music is dead It’s easy to abuse but quite hard to master The profits don’t justify your means There are a few that are still serving music well But all the sad dramatic break up artists please go to hell And shove your I V VI IV I progression up your ass You’re not being soulful you’re just lacking theory class Oh music is dead And everybody wants a piece of the body To take home, recycle and cash in Oh music is dead It’s easy to abuse but quite hard to master The profits don’t justify your means But wait From the ashes It’s music It’s alive And it’s erect And it will live to see the shitty artists fade into obscurity Music’s alive and well Music’s alive and well Music’s alive and well And it will kill the sinners

The only girl I need is standing 7 feet in front of me She’s causing me to see How desperately I want to be In her arms In her heart, In her mouth, In her will I’d gladly hold the door for her So I could stare at her ass while she walks in front of me Fuck Chivalry Hey baby, do you like this money? It’s yours, take it Hey baby, do you like these levi’s? They’re yours take ‘em Hey baby, do you like this IZOD polo from JCPenney’s? Take it take it make me naked, I’m butt naked oh my god! Why are you leaving the bar don’t go I didn’t show you my Baywatch tattooes I’m gonna buy a fuckin 20 piece chicken mcnugget and share it with you The only girl I need is standing 7 feet in front of me She’s causing me to see How desperately I want to be In her arms In her heart, In her hair, In her shoes I’d gladly hold the door for her So I could stare at her ass while she walks in front of me Fuck Chivalry

Christmas time is here happy hondadays Ooooooooh Don’t forget the point of the holiday Our savior was born What’s that in the sky it is JESUS HEEEE LOOKS PISSED With his merciful hand and a Tommy gun He rains death from above Death from above TO all the sinners now Death from above On Christmas day Death from above From tender jesus The Bible never said it would end this way But it did Presents are the best part of Christmas Fuuuuuuck yeah Furby’s and a bag full of milkyways Yuuumuh Who’s that at the door? IT IS SANTA CLAUS COVERED IN BLOOD He brought his reindeer with IN A BODY BAG Cause he flew them through the turbine of a plane O come all ye faithful Joyful and triumphant Blah blah blahbla meow meow Beeeeeth le hammmmmm Shit here comes jesus, Sporting a bazooka He’s aiming it at santa ‘cause jesus is dyslexic No presents for your kids, Only death from above

Major Tom was just a simple space man With simple dreams of terraforming Mars But when he blasted off He set a different course So he could go and live amongst the stars That’s when ground control Came on the radio They asked him if he’d thought this through at all And they sounded concerned But that’s when tommy learned That he’s the one that makes the final call Major tom is out here floating weightless He doesn’t have to do what people say Just then an asteroid Came and crashed into the ship It sent tom and his capsule far away That’s when ground control Came on the radio They lost communication so they said Can you hear me major tom Put your mother fuckin helmet on They had to see if tom was really dead When tom came to he’d washed up on a sandbar He saw some distant houses on the shore But when he swam across the sea He realized that he Was 10 times larger than he was before He’s a monster now And no one’s certain how But everyone is certain they are scared Of his giant monster dong It’s 20 inches long And you can work that math out if you dare So Major tom left NASA for the circus Where he would be accepted for his size There’s no more paperwork, and he lives inside a cage And this is where he’ll stay until he dies As major tom gets ready to perform He sees the ast’roid that he saw before It’s heading towards the planet that he does so despise So tom sits back and watches the planet die. He watches the planet die He watches the planet die But then the nuclear satellite that tom was sent to fix Collided with the asteroid and blew into bits So any moral this story had just quickly went away Cause irresponsibility just saved the fuckin day

I wish my dog knew how to use the toilet Then I wouldn’t have to work so hard To wake up early just to let her piss outside In my neighbor’s yard I wish my dog knew how to feed herself ‘cause then I wouldn’t have to work so hard To buy her food that she won’t even eat ‘cause she is a stupid dog I wish my dog was actually a taun-taun Then I wouldn’t have to work so hard On scouting missions on the planet Hoth ‘cause I’d have a taun-taun dog I wish my dog knew how to shoot a gun ‘cause then I wouldn’t have to work so hard To hide the bodies after they are dead No I could just blame my dog I wish my dog was capable of rape ‘cause then I wouldn’t have to work so hard To find an alibi for Friday night No I could just blame my dog I wish my dog knew how to give abortions then I wouldn’t have to work so hard To trick my girlfriend into drinking paint ‘cause I took my condom off I wish my dog had boobies I could play with Then I wouldn’t have to work so hard To talk to girls so I can see their boobies I could just see my dog’s Yeah I could just see my dog’s Yeah I’m gonna fuck my dog

We all kept calling them crazy But they never gave up, they kept pressing on They knew that we would never understand The goal that they were all working toward Was tantamount to what Benjamin Franklin did The pronouns utilized thus far are not completely clear But the heroes that I speak of will be given credit here The engineers that made the fleshlight cover for the iPad (I – V vi – V/vi) My point of view will never be the same (IV – V – I) My point of view will never be the same (vi – V – I) It's Fuckin' Science Science rules x2 In the year 2012 We were blessed With the chance To molest technology No more war in control Just your dick in a hole And the world joins hands and sings Thanks to you for inventing the fleshlight cover for the iPad My point of view will never be the same My point of view will never be the same

I'm not typing out this garbage!!!